


Maturation

by Double99



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Childhood, Domestic Fluff, Family, Growing Up, Parent-Child Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-07-01 02:57:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15765192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Double99/pseuds/Double99
Summary: A collection of oneshots about a mother watching her child blossom into adulthood.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, this OB fanfic contains only one of the clones: Cosima. We don't know a lot about her background and I thought it would be cool to write a few oneshots about her, so it's mostly headcanon. It was supposed to be a one-chapter fic, but it became too long and I made the decision to cut it into two parts. English isn't my first language and there will be a few mistakes, so if this bothers you, please don't read this story. It's rated M just to be safe, nothing (too) graphic. Some oneshots are fluffy, some a little angsty, some a little weird, but I hope you'll like it anyway :)

**Maturation**

_The ways in which we grow and develop throughout the lifespan_

 

I took a deep breath as I curled my trembling fingers around the door handle, secretly hoping the waiting room wouldn’t be packed with pregnant women, babies and screaming toddlers. I’ve been here so many times, but I still get nervous. I slowly opened the door and let out a sigh of relief as I focused on my surroundings, thank God it wasn’t too busy. A young couple sat in the right corner, holding their newborn twins in their arms.

“Goodmorning.”

A warm voice caught my attention and I turned my head to the left to see a blonde young woman smiling at me.

“Goodmorning,” I replied politely and sat down next to her.

“Are you here to see doctor Wilson too?” she continued, painfully reminding me of the sonographer I would probably never meet.

“No, I’m not expecting yet.”

Her face turned a light shade of pink as she looked down at her fingers fumbling in her lap. The awkward silence that followed was slightly uncomfortable.

“I’m three weeks along,” the woman tried again, rubbing her still flat belly as if she could feel something.I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to suppress a very obvious and exasperated eye-roll.

“Congratulations,” I mumbled, trying my best to sound happy for her.

“I’m Ruth, and this is my mother, Elizabeth,” she said, pointing to the older woman sitting next to her and that’s when I noticed a few purple bruises staining her delicate pale wrists. _Abusive husband? That’s probably why she brought her mother with her._

“Nice to meet you,” I replied flatly, not even bothering to tell her my name.

“Are you alone?”

“Yes,” I nodded. “My husband is in England at the moment, attending some kind of conference. He’ll be home next week.”

Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought of him, my husband… my rock. My everything. It was during the war that my father-in-law fled Germany and ended up in Greece, where he met a beautiful Greek goddess. They fell in love, married quickly, and my mother-in-law gave birth to a son nine months later. I, the youngest of six children, grew up in a small village just outside of Patras and have always dreamed of becoming a scientist. I had just turned nineteen when I met him at the University of Athens, where we both studied astrophysics. I still remember the first day I walked into the classroom and my eyes locked on his… a handsome young man with brown eyes and the cockiest grin I had ever seen. It was love at first sight and we became the most popular couple on campus. After our graduation, we decided to move to San Francisco and continue our studies at the University of Berkeley. America… the land of opportunities. We love California, but we still miss our family in Greece.

“Don’t you want him to be by your side on a day like this?” she asked, bringing me back to the present.

“Not really,” I sighed, shaking my head. “This will be our tenth attempt, it’s not like we’re expecting to get pregnant this time.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, reaching for my hand to give it a soft reassuring squeeze. “It will happen someday. You and your husband chose the best IVF clinic in the world.”

Someday? I seriously doubt it. I’m forty already and we’ve been trying for a baby for almost eight years now. I bet we’ve seen every fertility clinic in the USA, tried every hormone therapy and even discussed the option of donors or adoption. We were about to give up, when one of our colleagues told me about the DYAD Institute. My husband was a little apprehensive at first, but after a few emotional conversations, he gave in. We both took a sabbatical and decided to move to Toronto for a year. We’re going home by the end of summer and agreed to stop trying if I’m still not pregnant by then. I love my husband, but I’m not looking forward to a childless life.

“So, are you from around here? Maybe we can meet up for coffee this weekend and share our pregnancy issues?” she asked, a little too eager.

“No, my husband and I are both professors at Berekely and we’re moving back at the end of August.”

“Professors? You must be really smart then. You’re husband isn’t intimidated by your intelligence?”

My eyes widened in surprise and I tried my best to form a response, when an old looking doctor opened the door to his office, calling in his next patient.

“Ruth Childs?”

The young woman and her mother stood up from their seats and made their way towards the examination room.

“Oh well, it was nice meeting you,” Ruth said and I nodded before I closed my eyes.

I don’t like to admit it, but I disliked Ruth… I dislike every woman who has the honor of carrying a baby inside her womb. It’s so unfair, why me? Why us? Eugene and I have so much love to give, so much love to raise a child, to help him or her grow and discover everything the world has to offer. We even turned one of the guestrooms into a nursery a few years ago. It’s beautiful, so absolutely perfect. The only thing that’s missing is the child itself. The child that probably will never be born. I’m sure all of our friends and family think we’re completely insane, but I guess it helps the raw grieving process that has already started.

“Salome Niehaus?” a low voice reached my ears, interrupting my daydream. “You can come in.”

I smiled at the young man standing in front of me, probably still a student, and followed him into the examination room.

“Hi Sally, it’s good to see you again,” a woman with a familiar face smiled at me, placing a few medical instruments on the table and sliding a pair of gloves over her hands.

“Hi Susan, how are you?”

“I’m fine, thank you,” she replied. “You already know this routine don’t you? Just undress from the waist down and get comfortable my dear.”

I did what I was told, positioned myself on the examination table and put my feet up in the stirrups, opening my legs wide as I closed my eyes and took a deep, shaky breath.

“So, Gene is in London isn’t he?” she asked, gently pushing the speculum inside of me.

“Yes, he immediately left after he dropped off his sperm three days ago. He’ll be home next week.”

She looked me in the eye and smiled again as she inserted a tube through my cervix, causing a familiar cramping in my belly.

“Do you have kids Susan?” I asked, suddenly feeling the urge to know.

“No not yet, Ethan and I are currently into the adoption process. I’m sure it won’t take very long anymore.”

“That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you guys,” I managed to whisper in a cracked voice.

I looked up to the clincal white ceiling while she placed my now fertilized egg back into my uturus. My thumb started to stroke the warm skin of my lower adobmen and my heart began to race, hoping for a successful insemination this time. I felt Susan’s hand squeeze my knee when she pulled the speculum out of me.

“It’s done sweetheart. You can go home now,” her gentle voice filled my ears.

I brought my hand up to my mouth, trying to stifle the gasps that escaped from my throat as my whole body shook with sobs, intensely longing for the child I would probably never have.

* * *

 

It was quiet when we walked into the empty colorful waiting room that I hadn’t seen in nearly three years. I sat down in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs while my daughter ran towards the play corner and began sorting the little Lego bricks by color. My lips curled into an encouraging smile as she locked her brown eyes on mine.

“It’s okay Coco, you can play.”

She nodded and focused her attention back on the Lego. I didn’t want to be here and I inwardly cursed my husband for not being there with us. I hate this hospital so much.

Our baby girl was born here four years ago and four weeks before the due date. Apparently, she couldn’t wait any longer and was ready to explore the world with her curious mind, but the doctors wanted to keep an eye on her growth and forced us to visit this place on a monthly basis. Gene and I grew suspicious, but couldn’t put our finger on it. After a year of strange doctor’s appoinments, we decided to sell the house and began to travel the world with our toddler. We’ve seen a lot of countries, met some very inspiring people and explored a variation of different cultures, but we didn’t want our daughter to be home-schooled and traveled back to San Francisco, where we bought ourselves a houseboat and went back to work.

I glanced at my little girl, who was still sitting on the ground, sorting her Lego bricks, her brows furrowed in concentration. It was her kindergarten teacher who had adviced us to get our daughter tested on autism and recommended doctor Brown. We were shocked at first. Autism? Our precious Cosima? Gene and I discussed it for a couple days and agreed to schedule an appointment with doctor Brown, because we only want what’s best for our daughter.

Suddenly, the door opened, bringing me back to the present as a young father walked in, holding his daughter’s hand.

“Oh look Bella, that girl over there is already playing with the Lego, maybe you can play together,” he suggested, encouraging her to approach Cosima. I sucked in a breath, hoping the girl wouldn’t pull my daughter out of her concentration and interrupt her playing routine.

Bella shuffled towards her, carrying two dolls under her tiny arm.

“Wanna play?” she asked softly, causing Cosima to snap her head up. “You can be the princess,” the girl continued, offering my daughter one of her dolls. I could see Cosima’s cheeks reddening as her curious eyes took in the girl before her and I already knew how this was going to end. Cosima stood up, and I couldn’t help but notice how small she was compared to the other girl. Her short legs ran towards me and she crawled into my lap, burrying her flushed face into my chest.

“What’s your name?” the girl tried again, placing her hand on my daughter’s leg and I could feel Cosima stiffen against me as she did so.

“This is Cosima, but she’s a little shy,” I lied, kissing the top of my daughter’s head to comfort her. Cosima isn’t shy at all, at least not when she’s talking to adults, but she just doesn’t know how to interact with kids her own age. The girl merely shrugged, walked away and began to create something with Cosima’s perfectly sorted Lego bricks. I desperately hoped Cosima wouldn’t notice that the girl was messing up her work, because that would definitely send her into a screaming fit and I couldn’t deal with one of her tantrums right now.

“Do you want your Mr. Cuddles?” I offered quickly, already reaching inside my handbag to grab her stuffed dinosaur and trying to distract her. One of my brothers gave it to her for her third birthday, which we celebrated in Greece, and Cosima has developed a huge obsession with dinosaurs ever since. It’s basically the only thing she wants to talk about.

“Niehaus?”

I looked up to see a friendly looking man standing in front of us and stood up to shake is hand.

“Nathan Brown,” he introduced himself before we walked into his office. I sat down in a chair that was a lot more comfortable than those plastic ones from the waiting room. Cosima crawled into my lap once again, still clutching Mr. Cuddles against her chest.

“And what’s your name darling?” he asked her, trying to make eye contact, which my daughter expertly avoided.

“Cosima,” she whispered.

“That’s a very pretty name Cosima.”

“It’s Greek,” she explained, finally looking him in the eye.

 _Cosima_. Eugene and I fell in love with the name the first time we heard it. We’ve always wanted to give our children Greek names, because of our origin. We’re both astrophysicists and the name also reminded  us of the word cosmos… a shared passion of ours.

“A very special name for a very special young lady. And how old are you Cosima?”

“Four,” she answered proudly, sticking four tiny fingers in the air.

“Four? You’re a big girl already.”

She nodded, flashing him a toothy grin, the one that always reminds me of a young Gene.

“Did you bring her favorite toy, Sally?” Nathan asked, shifting his attention back to me.

“Of course, that’s what you asked right?”

I picked up my handbag from the floor, pulled out ten plastic miniature dinosaurs and placed  them on his desk.

“Shall we play together?” he asked my daughter, picking up one of the beasts.

“Okay.”

Cosima grabbed two dinosaurs and positioned them next to each other on Nathan’s desk before picking up a third. Suddenly, Nathan made a fake growling sound and let his dinosaur jump the one in Cosima’s hand. She retrieved her arm and raised her eyebrows sarcastically.

“What are you doing?” she asked softly.

“Pretending to eat your dino with the one I chose.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re pretending to be dinosaurs right?”

She ignored his question and continued sorting her plastic animals.

“You don’t like my game Cosima?”

“No.”

“Why is that?”

“Because it’s fake?” she explained, clicking her tongue in disapproval and waving her hand through the air dismissively. I had to suppress a snort of amusement… cheeky girl.

“Okay, explain to me how you normally play and I’ll do whatever you want me to.”

“Just place them in a row like I do,” my daughter instructed. “Look, the first one is a Plateosaurus. He’s the oldest, because he is from the Triassic. The second one is a Diplodocus. He’s from the Jurassic period, you see?”

Nathan nodded, scribbling something on his paper at the same time.

“The one you chose is a Triceratops. He’s from the Cretaceous, so he’s one of the youngest and we’ll put him at the end of this row. Get it?”

“Yes, I understand. This is a very cool game, but I think it’s better if you play by yourself allright? I don’t know anything about dinosaurs and I need to talk to your mom for a while okay?”

Cosima didn’t respond, already too caught up in her unusual play. I took a sip of my coffee and felt my heart swell with love at the sight of her.

“So, Sally,” he began. “Your daughter is conceived through IVF? At the Dyad Institute?”

“Yes,” I whispered, eyes wide. “You know them?”

“I used to work for them when I was in my twenties, but I quit after I met my girlfriend, who lives here in San Fran.”

A strange feeling of suspicion unfolded in my stomach as I looked him in the eye, trying to detect a lie.

“That’s a funny… coincidence.”

“Yes, it certainly is,” he agreed. “Cosima had an IQ-test at school a few weeks ago, am I right?”

I nodded, not trusting my own voice at this point.

“The results came back this morning.” He handed me a piece of paper. I quickly scanned the letters and numbers.

“147?”

“Yes, congratulations. You and your husband created a little genius.”

I wasn’t sure how I was suppose to feel about this new piece of information. Of course I knew Cosima was very intelligent, but I didn’t expect her to be _that_ smart.

“Let’s talk about Cosima’s development right now, so I can rule out the possibility of autism.”

“Okay.”

“Does Cosima interact with her peers?”

“No, she mostly ignores them.”

He nodded and wrote my answer down on his notebook.

“Does she have friends at school?”

“I don’t think so. She has never mentioned a friend. I don’t think she’s very interested in friendships at this age.”

“Does she ever play with other children?”

“Sometimes, but she’s very picky.”

“She doesn’t seem the type of kid who likes to play house?”

“No, Cosima doesn’t have a huge imagination like most kids. She prefers facts to fiction. Games like playing house are very difficult for her to understand. She doesn’t really engage.”

He looked at my daughter, observing her and taking notes as she continued to categorize her dinosaurs with great precision.

“Does she interact with adults?”

“Yes, she loves talking to them. Asks a thousand questions a day. She has an insatiable hunger for knowledge.”

“What about her motor skills? Can she run for example? Or trow a ball? Tie her own shoelaces?”

“I think her motor skill are still developing. I mean she’s only four right? But to answer your question, yes, she can throw a ball, but she can’t catch one and she can’t ride her bike yet. She also still needs help getting dressed. She’s a little clumsy.”

Nathan leaned back into his chair as Cosima began to wander around his room, opening a few drawers to find out what’s inside.

“Cos, sweetheart, that’s not…” I started, but Nathan cut me off by telling me it was okay.

“Is she still in diapers?” he continued while his hand wrote down his own question.

“Yes,” I whispered. “Is that abnormal?”

“Most kids are potty trained by the age of two or three.” He took a sip of his coffee and glanced at my daughter again, who was intently studying one of his biology books, transfixed by a picture of different bugs.

“Can Cosima read?”

“Yes, very well actually. She likes to read us stories at bedtime.”

He asked me question after question and after two and a half hours, he finally had his conclusion.  
  
“Okay Sally, I think it’s safe to say that Cosima has Asperger’s Syndrome, a high functioning type of autism. She shows a lot of symptoms, so I’m going to add the diagnosis to her medical record.”

“Are you serious?” I asked in disbelieve, rubbing my daughter’s back. She fell asleep in my lap an hour ago, using my breast as a pillow, sucking her thumb and clutching her stuffed dinosaur in her tiny fist.

“Yes. I know it’s a lot to process, but we can guarantee you that we’ll help Cosima. I think you should let us see your daughter every month so that we can keep an eye on her development .”

I swallowed hard as I stood up from my seat. “Yes, thank you Nathan.”

“You’re welcome Sally. I’ll see you two next month.”

We said our goodbyes and I walked to the elevator, carrying a sleeping Cosima on my hip. I felt her soft and steady breathing tickle my neck while the first of many tears trickled down my cheek. I wonder what Gene has to say about this and pressed a kiss to the skin of Cosima’s little shoulder, breathing in her scent. I’ve never worried about her future, but that just changed in the blink of an eye. My daughter is autistic. How in the world do you raise an autistic child? Will she be able to live a normal life? Make friends? Will the other kids accept her? Will they bully her? Will she ever fall in love? Is she even capable of loving someone or… feel loved? My stomach turned and a disgusting taste started to form on my tongue while a few horror scenarios invaded my mind. There’s a high possibility that Gene and I will have to take care of Cosima her entire life, it’s not natural. What if she can’t live on her own? What will happen to her, when Gene and I are becoming too old to take care of her? Children are supposed to grow more and more independent as they get older. What if Cosima’s development comes to a standstill within the next two years or so? Do we have to quit our jobs?

“Mom?” she asked, her voice thick with exhaustion, as she lifted her head from my shoulder to look at me with a confused expression on her face. “Please don’t cry.”

I quickly wiped my tears away and gave her a loving smile before I kissed her warm cheek.

“Don’t worry Cos, I love you,” I whispered. “No matter what.”

* * *

 

 “Mom?”

“Yes sweetheart?”

“This dress is pretty isn’t it?”

“Yes, very pretty, just like you,” I answered, glancing into the rearview mirror to wink at her. She looked absolutely adorable in her pink ballet dress and sparkling fairy wings.

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“Did you know birds evolved from dinosaurs? That’s cool right?”

“That’s very cool indeed,” I agreed as I parked the car in front of the small building. “Ready Coco?”

“Yes!” she squealed in excitement, flashing me a bright smile, sticking her tongue through missing front teeth.

She took my hand as we walked inside, making me nervous all of a sudden. Cosima is having a hard time at school at the moment. She has reached a certain age where kids are starting to develop friendships and I can tell Cosima tries her best to make friends, but the kids in her class call her ‘weird’ or ‘strange’. She doesn’t click with them emotionally, socially and intellectually. So, Cosima spends a lot of time alone and loves to read books or sort her dinosaur collection. It was only recently that Cosima discovered that she likes to dance when Gene puts on the radio. My husband and I thought it would be a good idea to sign her up for improvisation dance classes. I guess it can help her make friends when she shares a mutual interest with other kids.

“Hi girls, my name is Ellen,” a young eccentric woman introduced herself, shaking my hand.

“Sally,” I said. “And this is Cosima.”

“Are you ready to dance with the other girls Cosima?”

Cosima shrugged her little shoulders and pressed her body against my side.

“Let’s go inside, follow me,” Ellen continued as Cosima snatched Mr. Cuddles from my handbag, clearly needing its comfort.

Ten seven year old little girls, dressed in similar pink ballet dresses as the one Cosima was wearing, were running through the dancing area, screaming and laughing in excitement, and I instantly knew my daughter wouldn’t appreciate our decision to bring her into this chaos.

“Mom?”

“Yes, honey?”

“Let’s go home.”

I kneeled before her and looked her straight in the eye. She was scared, nervous, insecure, but I could also see a hint of curiosity in those beautiful brown orbs and I quickly pushed back to urge to pick her up and take my baby home.

“No Cos, you can do this sweetheart,” I said in a gentle voice. “I’ll stay with you for a few minutes.”

Ellen started the music and I sat down in one of the chairs with Cosima in my lap as all the girls began to move their tiny bodies, twirling around and jumping up and down. After a few minutes, I felt Cosima slide off my lap, but she didn’t walk over the the group. I watched her carefully as she took my hand in hers and started to bounce lightly on the balls of her feet, watching the girls with great curiosity, Mr. Cuddles still pressed against her chest.

When I felt her let go of my hand a little while later, I stood up slowly, almost tiptoeing towards the door. My hand reached for the handle and a millisecond later, an agonizing wail filled my ears.

“MOMMY,” she screamed. “NOOOO.”

My heart broke into a million pieces and I turned around, catching her into my arms as Ellen stopped the music and walked towards us.

“Cosima,” she whispered, rubbing my daughter’s back. “You’re mom will pick you up when the class is over okay?”

“Nooo,” she cried, grabbing a fistful of my dark hair, holding on for dear life.

“Maddie, sweetheart, come here please,” Ellen said and a little blonde girl stood up, tapping Cosima’s shoulder.

“You have pretty pigtails and pretty wings,” she whispered and I could tell this girl exactly knew how to make friends. I instantly envied her.

“Cosima, this is Maddie. She’s my daughter and she’s your friend from now on. She likes to dance with you. Right Maddie?” Ellen whispered, still rubbing Cosima’s back.

“Yes.”

I could feel Cosima turn around in my embrace as her curiosity took over. The little girl took my daughter’s hand and pulled her towards the group of tiny dancers.

“Don’t be scared,” she told her.

I thanked Ellen quickly and made my way towards the exit, wiping away a few tears of my own.

Letting go is never easy.

I was supposed to pick her up at four, but got stuck in traffic and cursed myself for always being late.

“I’m so sorry,” I apologized, a little out of breath as I entered the almost empty dancing area. “I got st….” but the words died in my throat as I watched the scene in front of me. Ellen sat in one of the chairs, eating a sandwhich, Maddie was curled up in a corner, fast asleep, while my daughter danced around the room, her tiny arms flying around in fluid motions. Her eyes were closed, as if she could physically feel the beat of the music while she let her whole body move around gracefully.

“She’s in her element,” Ellen said, smiling at me.

“She sure is,” I chuckled, still looking at Cosima. I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

“She’s very expressive in her dancing Sally, it’s beautiful to watch actually.”

I nodded and walked towards my dancing daughter, kneeling in front of her as I curled my fingers around her upper arm. She gasped and her eyes flew open, obviously startled by the fact that there were other people in the room.

“Hi honey,” I whispered, but she didn’t respond, yanked her arm loose and closed her eyes again as she twirled away from me.

“Cosima,” I tried again, reaching out to grab her by the shoulders. “We’re going home baby, class is over.”

She looked at me with a shocked expression on her face and in a matter of seconds, her bottom lip began to tremble and tears started the roll down her rosy cheeks. It always pains me to see her so upset. Cosima is a very emotional and sensitive little girl, but she doesn’t know how to express it just yet.

“No, I wanna stay.”

“You like it here?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I can dance at this place and I can express my inner feelings better when I dance.”

“Express your inner feelings?” I asked, a little confused by her choice of words. She’s only seven after all.

“Yes, I can be myself when I dance.”

“That’s great Coco,” I whispered, my voice trembling with emotion. “Do you wanna come back next week and dance a little more?”

A huge grin formed on her sad face and she squealed in excitement, clapping her little hands before she said her goodbyes to Ellen and ran towards the car.

“Mom?” she asked, when I drove off the parking lot.

“Yes?”

“I stayed didn’t I?”

“You certainly did and I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m a big girl right?”

“Yes you are.”

“Big girls get to eat Eskimo Pies when they did something new and scary right? You said so yourself.”

I let out a hard laugh and reached back to squeeze her little leg.

“You’re very cheeky.”

* * *

 

It was around five in the afternoon when I heard the front door slam shut, making me jump out of my chair in surprise. The sound of stomping feet came closer as my daughter approached the kitchen.

“Hey baby, how did it go?” I asked, probably a little too optimistic for her liking, because she began to cry the second the question left my mouth.

“Fine,” she growled, clenching her fists and pushing her new glasses on the top of her head to wipe away the tears that were already flowing down her cheeks. Cosima has started wearing glasses only two weeks ago, and I’m still not used to it. She looks older somehow, more grown up.

“Did something happen Cos?”

“Why don’t you ask your husband?” she spat, storming off to her bedroom just as he shuffled into the kitchen.

“What happened Gene?”

“They asked her some private stuff,” he shrugged, grabbing a beer from the fridge. “While I was in the room with her. I guess she’s embarrassed or something.”

“Private stuff? Like what?”

“Oh you know, girly stuff… things… I don’t know.”

“You’re being incredibly vague Gene,” I stated, irritation seeping through my tone.

“Doctor Evans asked her if she already started her period,” he mumbled, his cheeks flushing a deep shade of red.

“That explains a lot,” I sighed, rubbing my temples. My daughter started menstruating only three months ago and I wasn’t there when she discovered the first few drops of blood in her underwear. I was visiting my family in Patras at the time, and Cosima begged me over the phone to take the first flight home. It took me nearly an hour to convince her to tell her dad and ask him to buy her pads. And now this… she must be so humiliated.

“He looked surprised by her answer though. It was kinda strange to be honest,” he continued, finally looking me in the eye.

“Surprised?”

“Yeah, as if she’s not supposed to be menstruating yet. She’s not too young right? I don’t know a lot about stuff like that.”

“Of course not Gene, she turned twelve four months ago.”

“Yeah, I’m not sure Sally, he seemed worried and wants her to have an internal ultrasound to check if everything is okay and if she’s fertile or not.”

“WHAT!” I practically shouted.

“Yeah, you know… because there’s a high chance that you’ve passsed down your fertility problems to her. ”

“You didn’t agree to this right?”

“No, I wanted to discuss it with you first.”

“Discuss is with me?  What about your daughter? Doe she have a say in this?”

“Sally…” he sighed, taking another sip of his beer.

“NO GENE!” I shouted, losing my patience. “No one is going to put something inside our daughter’s vagina for no valid reason at all, you hear me! She’s way too young.”

I heard him groan in akwardness, clearly uncomfortable with the subject of our conversation and my detailed description of the invasive examination.

“It’s not like she’s going to die when she doesn’t get the ultrasound right?”

“No.”

“She can always get one when she’s older and she and her husband are going to try for a baby,” I said, trying to calm myself down. “God, maybe Cosima doesn’t even want to be a mom.”

“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,” he whispered as he stood up from his seat, taking me into his arms.

“This is getting strange don’t you think? I mean, I’m glad they’re helping us deal with her autism, but those physical examinations, the ECG tests, monthly blood and urine samples … it doesn’t seem very logical to me.”

“I don’t know Sal, they always seem to have a good reason for those tests. Cosima could have fertility issues right? I mean… we had to wait eight years for her to show up,” he chuckled, trying to lighten the heavy mood.

“Your daughter is showing absolutely no signs of infertility Gene. She’s twelve years old and menstruating regularly. That’s good enough for now okay? I had to take hormone injections at  seventeen, because I still didn’t have my period at that age. That’s a big difference.”

“You’re right Sal,” he whispered before pressing a gentle kiss to my lips.

“I think she needs me right now,” I said, turning around and bracing myself for another teenage hormonal outburst, which wasn’t uncommon those days.

“Cos?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I come in?”

“Okay.”

She was sitting on her bed, her back resting against the headboard while she kept her eyes focused on the book she was reading.

“Dad told me what happened sweetheart. You wanna talk about it?”

She didn’t respond as I sat down next to her. I reached out to rub her back and let out a sigh of relief when she placed her head on my shoulder.

“I just started reading The Origin of Species and it’s very interesting so far.”

“Is it?”

“Yes,” she nodded. “I think I wanna study history or biology after high school.”

“That’s a great choice sweetheart,” I whispered, kissing her temple, “but you’re avoiding my question.”

“I don’t know what to say mom. I just…”

“Yes?” I asked after a few seconds, encouraging her to keep talking.

“Nothing.”

“Cos, you don’t have to do the vaginal ultrasound if you don’t want to honey. It’s your body, your decision.”

“I know,” she sighed, turning the page of her book. “I don’t want it.”

“No problem, I’ll call doctor Evans in the morning okay?”

“He’s not gonna be happy about it. He was kinda pushy, like his job depended on it,” she chuckled, causing me to smile too.

“I don’t fucking care Cos. Like I said, it’s your body and nobody is allowed to touch it without your consent.”

“I think this is the first time you cursed in front of me,” she giggled, pushing her glasses further up the bridge of her nose.

“I guess you’re right,” I laughed, stroking her long dark braid.

She began to talk about her book, about the evolution of dinosaurs and the evolution of humankind, talking with her hands in enthusiasm. I’m not sure what she was saying, because I didn’t really pay attention.

“Hey Cos?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you like to go to Barcelona with me? Just the two of us?”

She snapped her head to the side, studying my face for a second before she opened her mouth to answer my question.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes, I’d love to spend some time with you before you’ll start seventh grade after summer,” I said as a feeling of sadness unfolded in my stomach.

Seventh grade… she’s getting big now, a young lady. Cosima has always been a curious kid and I always had the feeling that she wasn’t going to stay at one place her whole life, too curious to explore the world. I just know that there will be a time where Cosima will move to another city, another state or another country perhaps, and we won’t speak to each other very often… and that’s okay, but until then… I’m going to keep my precious daughter close for as long as I can.

* * *

 

“Get in the car,” I hissed, my voice dripping with anger as we approached the vehicle. Never ever in my life have I seen the inside of a police station… until an hour ago.

“Mom, please,” she begged, tying her hair up into a messy bun. “I’m sorry.”

“I can’t believe you and Maddie did this, Cosima. What’s the matter with you two?”

“I…”

“Last week you pierced each other’s noses with a needle and smoked pot in your bedroom.... and now this?”

“Sor...”

“What’s going on in that head of yours Cos? Is this a cry for attention? Are you lonely?”

“No, I’m just…”

“What’s next? Arms full of tattoos and a bank robbery?” I spat, digging my nails into the steering wheel. “Do you wanna end up in jail? Waste your bright future?”

She didn’t say anything and stared out the window, fumbling with the buttons of her navy coat.

“Are you gonna ignore me now? Answer the question goddamnit!” I shouted, making her cringe in the passenger seat.

“I’m trying, but you keep cutting me off!” she said, raising her voice as well.

“Just tell me why you did it Cos. If you’re feeling lonely, just tell me okay?” I whispered, trying to soften my tone. “Because if that’s the case … you should tell us so we can help you. I know it’s hard for you to express your feelings, but stealing from Macy’s is not the right way to make friends sweetheart.”

“I’m not lonely anymore mom. I have friends at this school.”

I knew she was speaking the truth. Cosima had always been a lonely child, but that all changed when she started middle school and found herself some people who shared her interests. She knows Maddie and Selena from her improv dance classes, and Jack, Nick and Hannah from school. I got the feeling that she likes Jack the most. Jack… a tall awkward boy with autism who is also very obsessed with dinosaurs and evolution, just like her.

“So why did you do it then?”

I could see a furious flush creeping up her neck as she took a deep breath.

“It was Maddie’s idea. Michael asked her on a date and she wanted to look nice tonight, so we went to Macy’s to find her a cute dress, but the one she liked… well, it was a little expensive and we didn’t have enough money, “ she explained, hands flying through the air with every word. “That’s when she suggested to steal it and I agreed.”

“Why?” I sighed, not fully understanding why my highly intelligent child would do such a dumb thing.

“Thrill? Adrenaline? I don’t even know mom. I won’t do it again.”

“Coco, honey, I know you’re fifteen and that boys are probably the most important thing in your life right now, but no man is worth stealing over okay?”

“Boys are not…”

“Sweetheart,” I chuckled, curling my fingers around the back of her neck to give it a loving squeeze. “I’m not stupid. It’s Jack right? I can tell by the way you look at him. Your father used to look at me like that when we were young.”

“No, I have no romantic interest in him,” she laughed, rolling her eyes.

“Have you already kissed a boy?”

“NO! WHAT THE…” she stopped herself right in time and buried her face in her hands, clearly mortified by my nosy question.

“You can be honest Cos, I’ve been fifteen once,” I smiled.

“Whatever,” she mumbled, shrugging her shoulders.

“Anyway, you’re grounded and your dad is going to take you to the labs every Saturday so you can help clean them.”

“Noooo,” she whined as I parked the car in front of our houseboat. “I didn’t steal anything.”

“You didn’t stop her either, in fact, you only spurred her on. You need to face the consequences of your unacceptable behavior.”

“God,” she groaned, rolling her eyes before she stepped out of the car. “There’s Jack.”

I waved at the tall boy standing in front of our door, obviously very excited to see my beautiful daughter. Cosima left the car and walked into his direction, still a little wobbly in first heels. She gave him a hug and began to talk passionately about something, possibly about the events of this morning, and I couldn’t help but smile at the sight of them.

* * *

 

I put down the bag of groceries and took off my sandals before I made my way towards the bathroom to say hi to my daughter. It’s a little after six and she was probably taking a bath, just like she always does before dinner. I’ve had such a rough and long day at work, students being too rude or too lazy, and I haven’t seen Cosima since last night… seeing her pretty smile always makes me feel better.

My ears picked up a strange noise as I approached the bathroom, a sound that kept me from knocking the door enthusiastically.

“Oh god,” I heard her moan softly. The breathy voice made me freeze on the spot and I pressed my ear against the door to confirm my suspicions.

“Hmmm,” she hummed, before crying out a little more loudly.

 _Oh_.

I quickly turned around, almost tripping over my own feet as I ran into the kitchen where I hastily began to prepare dinner. I’m not sure why this shocks me so much. I could have known, because Cosima is eighteen, she’s a young woman now, and healthy young women have needs.

 _“She’s discovering her own body Sally, that’s completely normal,”_ I whispered to myself. _“Just exploring her sexual feelings. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s perfectly natural.”_

I started to cut the broccoli into small pieces while my mind kept reliving the moment my prudish mother caught me in the middle of self-pleasure when I was Cosima’s age. God, I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life.

 _“Just act like you didn’t hear anything,”_ I thought as I heard Gene coming home. _“Act normal and don’t mention it to him or Cosima herself.”_

It took me another thirty minutes to finish cooking and just when I put the food on the table, Cosima stepped into the kitchen.

“Oh hi guys! You’re home already?,” she asked in a surprised voice, walking over to her father to press a kiss against his cheek.

“Hi Mr. and Mrs. Niehaus,” a low, raspy voice greeted us, causing me to turn around with great speed.

_Marley?! What the hell?!_

Cosima has met Marley a year ago at the restaurant they both work at. Marley is a beautiful eighteen-year-old girl and I can tell Cosima looks up to her. She’s from a hippie family, her parents are very open, eccentric and laid-back, and there are no rules in their household whatsoever. Cosima especially likes Marley’s dad who wears dreads and promised to teach her how to make them. I’m not sure how I feel about that to be honest.

“Come on Marley, it’s Sally and Gene. How many times do we have to tell you?” Gene joked as Cosima shifted her eyes from Marley to me.

 _My_ _daughter? And Marley? In the bathroom? Together?  Naked?_ She’s a little too old for that…  

I could feel my heartbeat quicken and my stomach turn as the realization started to sink in.

“Mom?” she asked nervously and I immediately knew she had sensed something changing in my demeanor, because I kept staring at Marley with wide eyes.

“You can stay for dinner if you like,” my husband offered kindly as he chewed on his broccoli.

“Oh thank you Gene, but I really have to go,” Marley answered, already making her way out of the kitchen. “I’ll see you tomorrow Cos.”

I shifted my attention to my daughter, who gave Marley a little wave, a huge grin plastered on her face.

“Cosima?” I sighed, a little unsure of how to confront her as she sat down in one of the chairs.

“Yeah?” she answered while keeping her eyes focused on her plate, probing the broccoli with her fork.

“Did you and Marley just took a bath together?”

I could see her body tense in her seat as Gene spit out his vegetables.

“Sally! Don’t be stupid.”

“SHUT UP GENE!” I screamed unexpectedly, my emotions getting the better of me. “I heard… things… Cosima.”

“What are you implying, Sal!”

I ignored him, trying my best to soften my features as I kept staring at my child, who did her best to avoid my intense gaze. My mouth felt dry and I took a sip of my wine to moisten my dried out lips.

“Cos,” I tried again, a bit gentler this time and decided that it would be best to just voice my thoughts. “Did you and Marley have sex in the bathtub?”

“SALLY!”

“EUGENE, FOR GOD’S SAKE LET HER SPEAK!”

“YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR MIND! OUR DAUGHTER IS NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!”

“THEN TELL ME WHY…” but I quickly closed my lips as a faint whisper reached my ears.

“What did you say honey?” I asked sweetly.

“I… I …. I think I am,” she stuttered in a soft voice, barely audible.

“Oh my God,” I let out a deep breath and leaned back in my seat as Cosima’s bottom lip began to tremble and tears started to roll down her face.

“Are you in love with her?” I asked, taking a huge gulp of my wine before I glanced at Gene, who sat in his chair like a statue, his face white as a sheet.

“Yes, she is my girlfriend. We’re in love,” she answered truthfully, pushing her glasses on the top of her head.

This is not how I had imagined Cosima’s first experience with love. I always thought it would be a nice boy, who would come to meet us over dinner. Not like this…. a girl, one of her friends we’ve known for over a year now. Have we missed the signs? Why our daughter? Could we have prevent this from happening? The shock and disappointment I’m feeling right now is undeniable, surging through my body like angry ocean waves and I sincerely hope Cosima wouldn’t notice.

“For how long have you two been together?” Gene asked, finally participating in the conversation.

“Two months.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

She buried her face in her hands, openly sobbing at this point. I hate to see her so upset, but I couldn’t bring myself to stand up and console her. Gene didn’t move either and kept biting the inside of his cheek out of… frustration? Anger?

“Because I didn’t want to disappoint you,” she cried. “You’ve waited so long for a child and you ended up with me. I’m weird and I only caused you worries, and… and I’m not only weird, but I’m a dyke too.”

“Please don’t call yourself that,” my husband said, wiping the sweat from his forehead. “That’s vulgar.”

“Well, it’s true isn’t it? It’s what I am.”

“Cos, you can’t know that for sure. You’re only eighteen honey, you’re still discovering your sexuality. Maybe you like boys more,” I said optimistically.

“Please,” she groaned, looking me straight in the eye. “I like women, I like women’s bodies, I like kissing girls since I was fourteen, and I love having sex with Marley, okay? I’m gay mom.”

The tears that were stinging behind my eyes were finally rolling down my cheeks as I covered my mouth with my hand, causing Gene to reach out and stroke my arm while Cosima began to cry again. 

“I’m so sorry,” she wailed. “So incredibly sorry.”

Her apologies crushed my heart and I jumped out of my seat, finally feeling the motherly urge to take my sobbing child into my arms. I practically ran towards her, hugging her tightly as I pressed a kiss to her salty cheek, before I knelt in front of her.

“Never ever apologize for your heart Cosima,” I told her firmly, placing my hand just above her left breast. “We’ve always encouraged you to approach sex without shame, but with curiosity, and that’s exactly what you’re doing honey. You’re allowed to explore your sexual feelings with a girl, I mean, you can’t really choose your sexual orientation right?”

“No,” she whispered, shaking her head.

“Your dad and I are just shocked Cos, we didn’t see this coming, but I’m sure we’ll get used to it. Just give us a little time, so we can adapt to this unexpected situation okay? This isn’t easy for us sweetheart. Your dad and I both grew up in the fifties in narrow-minded towns, we don’t know any homosexual people, but we don’t have a problem with it. This is all new to us, we hope you can understand that.”

She nodded, giving me a weak smile through her tears.

“We love you so much Cos, and there’s nothing you can say or do that will change that.”


	2. Chapter 2

Tears of happiness sprang to my eyes as I opened the envelope that I found in the mailbox today. I’d recognized the messy handwriting immediately and felt my heart flutter when I took out a couple pictures. Cosima in front of the Sky Tower, Cosima in front of the Bowen House and The Beehive, a few landscape pictures and a photo of a tattoo… something that looked like a nautilus shell? God, I hope it’s not hers.

_January 4th, 2007_

_Dear mom and dad,_

_Happy New Year! Hope you had a great night together. We’re in Australia now and Marley took me to the Sydney Harbour Bridge to watch the fireworks. It was absolutely magnificent, definitely the best NYE of my life. Today is Marley’s birthday and I’m going to take her to a fancy restaurant for an exclusive dinner. She loves seafood, so it’s gonna be lobster for sure. I bought her a special care-kit for her surfboard as a present, hope she’ll like it. I took a few surfclasses the past few days, just to please her, but I keep falling of my board within five seconds. See dad? I can’t do everything._

I smiled at her words. She’s obviously okay and very happy. I can’t wait to show Gene her letter and pictures tonight.

_We’ve met a group of blond surfdudes, they’re awesome, but they kept hitting on Marley every day, so when we were having a barbecue at the beach last night, and one of them started to flirt with her again, I kissed her in front of the whole group. A bold move, I know mom… I can picture you saying something like “Cosima, you shouldn’t kiss Marley in public, homosexuality is not fully accepted by a large majority”, while your reading this. So, I’m sorry… and I’m also kinda not, because it worked. They leave her alone now and still want to hang out with us. They’re totally cool with us being a same-sex couple. Awesome right? Don’t worry, I won’t kiss her when we’re in Asia, I don’t want to risk a prison sentence for loving my woman. We even booked separate rooms in Port Moresby and Jakarta, just to be safe. So please don’t worry guys. I guess I’ll have to enjoy every night to the fullest while we’re still sleeping in Australian hotels and can share a luxurious kingsize bed. You know what I mean? No, I’m just kidding mom. Don’t freak out right now._

I know she’s trying to reassure us, joking about the situation, but I could almost hear her sad voice in my mind and my heart broke into a million pieces right away. I quickly wiped a few tears from my cheeks before they would land on my daughter’s letter, staining the piece of paper and causing the inked letters to fade. Cosima’s written words make my realize that she always has to keep in mind that she’s gay… that she’s forced to think twice with everything she does… every decision she makes. The fact that she booked seperate rooms just because other people refuse to accept her for who she is, breaks my heart. Gene and I never have to think about such things. My daughter should have the right to share a bed with her girlfriend, hold her hand in public, kiss her whenever she wants and make love to her without the fear of raising suspicion. She should have those rights everywhere, no matter where she is. I’m glad she grew up in San Francisco and has accepting and supportive friends. Of course, there were times where other teens called her names for being gay, but nothing that made her insecure or not accept herself. I still remember how happy she was when thousands of homosexual couples got a marriage license in this town a few years ago, and how angry and upset she was when those marriages were annulled by a Supreme Court a few months later. I wanted to console her, but she wouldn’t let me and pushed me away when I tried to hug her. It was the very first time that Cosima was confronted with the fact that homosexual people didn’t have the same rights as heterosexuals. I can still picture the shocked expression on her face, crying and screaming at me that she didn’t understand why people were being punished for something they’re born with, why her teachers told her that it would be wise if she didn’t take Marley to prom, just to avoid a crisis caused by the parents. I cried for her when I lay in bed that night. I don’t even want to think about the endless conversations we had at her school about Cosima insisting on taking her girlfriend to prom and how the parents might react to that. Her schoolmates were obviously fine with them being a couple and apparently, the parents didn’t care either, because they were all supportive when my daughter showed up at the party, wearing a gorgeous dress and holding hands with her girlfriend. It definitely boosted her confidence… and I don’t think Gene and I have ever felt so relieved before.

I have to admit that it took us a while to get used to our daughter’s sexuality, not because we’re homophobic people, but because we both had imagined her future a little differently. Every parent has ideas and hopes about their kid’s future and Gene and I always pictured Cosima as a successful scientist, married to a man and raising two or three children. I imagined Cosima falling in love with a blonde European scientist, who shared her interests, liked to cook dinner with me and enjoyed fishing with Gene… a man who would look at my daughter like she’s the best thing in the world and would protect her from getting hurt… protect her from her male superiors who think she’s less intelligent or doesn’t have as much potential as men, just because she’s a woman. I  caught myself smiling at the fantasy before my eyes drifted back to Cosima’s handwritten letter.

_New Zealand was pretty awesome by the way, breathtaking nature and lovely locals. Oh, do you like my tattoo? I got it when we were in Melbourne last week. It’s the golden ratio, you’ll probably scoff at me for getting it, but I don’t care, because I love it. I’m sorry for not writing or calling sooner, but I’m too busy having fun, explore new places and enjoy my year off until I’ll start my Master’s degree this September. Marley and I will spend the next few months in Papua New Guinea, Indonesia and The Philippines. I’m overexicted and I got the feeling that Marley is getting a little tired of my enthusiasm, but she’s just as excited about this one year trip as I am, even though she doesn’t want to admit it._

_Okay, gotta go… I’ll have to put on a nice dress before I take my lady to dinner right? I miss you and I love you. I’ll give you a call in February. I won’t forget it this time. Promise!_

_Love,_

_Cosima_

* * *

 

“Gene,” I whispered, shaking his arm gently to get him to wake up, but he kept snoring soundly.

“Gene, wake up.”

“What’s up sweetheart?” he asked, his voice thick with sleep.

“There’s someone at the door. I think somebody is trying to break into the house.”

He bolted upright, clearly woken up by the words that just left my mouth.

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“What time is it?”

“Four-thirty.”

My eyes followed him as he stood up and walked over the the window, pushing the curtains aside.

“Sal?”

“Yes?”

“It’s Cos.”

“What!” I quickly left the bed as I threw my nightgown over my naked body and hurried into the hallway.

Cosima? Here? At this time? That’s highly unusual and I could feel the nerves and worry already building in my stomach. My brain registered the sound of clinking keys as I approached the front door. She was obviously trying to unlock it, but wasn’t very successful. I opened  the door and spread my arms just in time to catch her as she fell forward. I guess she was leaning against it just before I let her in.

“COS,” I practically shouted as I tried my best to support her body weight. “Are you okay?”

“No,” she groaned and the smell of alcohol filled my nostrils, making me nauseous in an instant.

“Are you drunk?”

“Kinda.”

“Look at me,” I demanded, lifting her chin up with two of my fingers. She did as I asked and locked her eyes on mine, her pupils were dilated, moving erratically and searching for a spot to focus on. She looked completely disorientated, vomit trickling down the corner of her mouth, to her chin, her neck and down into her shirt.

“Are you high too?” I gasped. I know she occasionally smokes pot, but I hate it.

“Completely baked.”

“Please tell me you didn’t drive here in this condition.”

“Jack dropped me off.”

“Let’s go inside.” I guided her to the couch and noticed that her legs were very unstable and her hands were shaking. Something was definitely wrong.

“Sal, is everything okay?” Gene asked from down the hall.

“Yeah, she’s just a little drunk honey, you can go back to bed. I’ll handle it.”

“Allright.”

I walked over to the bathroom, grabbed a washcloth and made my way back to my intoxicated child.

“God, Cos, you puked all over yourself,” I grimaced, dabbing her mouth with the cloth.

“Yeah, I drank a little too much at the club,” she giggled awkwardly, squeezing her eyes shut in embarrassment.

“Don’t get me wrong sweetheart, you’re always welcome here, but why didn’t you go back to your apartment at this hour?”

“I didn’t want to be alone.”

Her answer surprised me a lot. Cosima loves being alone, loves being in her apartment where she has all the freedom to be herself in her own little world.

“Did something happen at the club?”

I immediately regretted the question as her bottom lip began to tremble.

“I s..ss…,” she hiccuped, completely distraught. “I saw her. At the club.”

“Marley?”

Cosima started to cry even harder at the sound of the girl’s name. I let her sob while I carefully cleaned her chin and neck.

“It’s been six months mom, I was so glad to see her and I thought that it would be a good idea to walk up to her and start a conversation.”

I swallowed thickly, not liking how hopeful and naive she still sounded. Marley broke up with Cosima after eight years of being together, they lived together for three years, and even though she saw it coming for a little while, she was heartbroken for a long time.

“She didn’t want to talk to you?” I asked cautiously, not wanting to upset her further as I helped her out of her shirt to clean her chest.

“No, we talked, she was super chill, just like she always was,” she whispered, staring up to the ceiling while I wiped the traces of vomit from her skin. “Until I offered her a drink, not in a flirting way, I was just trying to be nice, a reasonable ex-girlfriend, but right in that moment… her new girlfriend came back from the restroom and went completely psycho on me. Bitch pulled me from the barstool en shoved me against the wall, before she slapped me in the face. I don’t even know why, I was just trying to be nice.”

“Oh God,” I sighed, shaking my head in disapproval. “You punched her back right?”

“NO! I’m not a violent person mom. I’ve never physically hurt someone. I dont wanna do that. It’s not in my nature.”

“I know you’re not Cos, but you don’t have to accept this behavior either.”

I could easily picture Cosima standing there, completely shocked, letting it happen and waiting for it to be over, not even thinking of using violence herself.

“You’re way too good for this world sweetheart,” I smiled, twirling one of her dreads around my finger.

I grabbed the washcloth again when I noticed another spot of vomit on her body. “God, this is a little disgusting Coco,” I chuckled, cleaning her collarbone.

“Sorry,” she whispered, stretching her body. “I’m so tired.”

I was about to reply when my eyes suddenly fell on two tiny metallic balls shining through the right cup of my daughter’s beloved green lacy bra.

“COSIMA!” I shouted in disbelieve, making her groan in pain as she brought her hand up to her forehead. “IS THAT A PIERCING?”

She opened her eyes and looked down to the spot my finger was pointing at.

“Yeah, brilliant observation” she said in annoyance.

“For God’s sake Cosima, why?”

“Marley thought it was hot,” she shrugged. “I got it two years ago and I think it suits me, don’t you agree?”

“No, no I don’t agree. I don’t get the appeal of tattoos and piercings, especially not those kind of piercings.”

“Whatever. I love it.”

“Mom?” she asked after a few minutes of silence.

“Yes?”

“I’m never going to start another relationship. I’m done with the lesbian drama.”

I had to suppress a laugh at her exaggeration and reached out to stroke the top of her head.

“Sweetheart, you’re only twenty-six. You’ve a whole life ahead of you. You’ll find someone new when the time is right.”

“You know what?”

“Hmmm?” I hummed, encouraging her to keep talking.

“I’m thinking about moving to Minnesota.”

“You do?” I asked, trying to hide the surprise I was feeling.

“Yes, I wanna finish my PhD over there and I’ll closer to Beth too.”

“Who is Beth?” I asked softly “You’ve never mentioned anyone called Beth.”

“Oh,” she said, snapping her eyes open. “She’s my si… my friend.”

“Okay, well, We’ll talk about it tomorrow Cos, you’re still drunk baby.”

She nodded and began to nibble on her bottom lip, furrowing her brows as if she were arguing with herself.

“What’s wrong?” I asked in a soft voice.

“Do you…”she began, but quickly closed her lips again.

“Yeah? What is it?”

“Do you ever regret the decision of starting an IVF process?”

“Excuse me?” I whispered, a little offended. “What are you implying? That your dad and I regret having you?”

“No, that’s no..”

“We’ve been through an emotional hell Cos, for eight long years, but it was all worth it. We’d do it all over again.”

“I know, I know, but it’s kinda risky you know. They could fool you easily. They could have implanted you with an embryo that wasn’t yours.”

“Cosima, don’t be stupid,” I snorted. “Of course, they could have fooled us if they wanted to, but they didn’t. There’s no reason, why in the world would an IVF clinic not use my own embryos? That’s totally absurd.”

“So you’re convinced I’m yours?”

“Honey, I’ve carried you for eight months and you’ve never left my side while we were the hospital. You weren’t switched at birth if that’s what you’re afraid of. You have my hair color and body type, and your dad’s eye color. You’re definitely made out of our DNA Cosima, the clinic didn’t put someone else’s fertilized egg inside me,” I explained, shocked by what was going on inside my daughter’s beautiful mind.

“But you’re 5’9” and dad is is like 6’2” and I’m short.”

“My sisters are both short too, it’s nothing abnormal. You’re a biology student, you’re supposed to know that. You’re our child Cos. I’m one hundred percent sure about that.”

“Would it crush you if I wasn’t yours?”

“Cosima, please,” I sighed. “Please stop this nonsense.”

“Okay, sorry,” she whispered, closing her eyes. I started to stroke the top of her head, just like I did when she was younger. Her breathing became heavier and in a matter of seconds, she drifted off to sleep. I stood up, took off her glasses, placed them on the coffee table and covered her body with a blanket, before I made my way back into the bedroom while an eerie feeling flowed through my veins.

No, it couldn’t be….. right? 

* * *

 

“What’s her name again?”

“God Gene,” I laughed as I lighted a few candles on the dinner table. “You’re getting old sweetheart, her name is Delphine.”

“And she’s French right?”

“Correct.”

“Hope she brings me a bottle of fine wine then.”

“Don’t mention it if she doesn’t Gene,” I warned, tying my hair into an elegant bun. “You don’t wanna embarrass Cosima do you?”

“Of course I do, that’s my job as her father.”

I opened my mouth to scoff at him, but I quickly closed my lips as I heard the front door open before Cosima’s voice filled the entire houseboat.

“Oh there they are!” I said, taking a deep breath. We haven’t seen Cosima in over a year, we only spoke on the phone a couple times during all those months, and I’m feeling a little nervous. I know she had a rough year, she had mentioned it in her last email and wanted to visit us tonight, so she could tell us the whole story. The fact that she brought her new girlfriend with her, made me even more nervous.

“MOM!” she exclaimed when she spotted me standing in the living room. She looked unbelievably gorgeous, wearing a tight red floral maxi-dress and her dreads pulled back into big bun. A sigh of relief escaped my mouth, she hasn’t changed one bit, a little curvier than she was before, but so, so beautiful.

“Cosima,” I breathed her name, and opened my arms to pull her into a big hug as she ran towards me. “I’m so happy you’re back.” I brushed my nose over the top of her head, she still smells the same, thank God.

“Well, look who’s here,” I heard Gene laugh from behind me, curling his arms around us and pressing a kiss to our daughter’s temple. “We’ve missed you honey.”

We stood there for a few seconds, the three of us, when I suddenly remembered the other person in the room. I released myself from Gene’s hold, pushing Cosima against his body as I approached a tall blonde woman who was standing next to their shared suitcase.

“You must be Delphine,” I said in a sweet voice. “We’re so glad to finally meet you.”

“Me too,” she replied, and I immediately noticed a prominent French accent seeping through her intonation. Her voice sounded feminine, caring and incredibly sweet, causing my nerves to fade instantly. “This is for you,” she continued, handing Gene a bottle of wine and I had to suppress a laugh of amusement when I noticed the look on his face. Delphine just earned herself ten points.

“Thank you so much Delphine,” he said, shaking her hand. “Let’s try this this shall we?” He walked back into the kitchen with Delphine on his heels, obviously craving this wine as much as he did. She must be nervous too.

“Mom?” Cosima whispered. “Are you sure about this? Delphine and I can book a hotel if it’s too much.”

“No sweetheart, you can stay here while you’re gonna show Delphine the city this weekend. I just put some fresh sheets on your old bed, and tomorrow, I’m gonna buy some good croissants at the local bakery and make you bad coffee while you and Delphine sleep in okay?”

“Sounds perfect, but mom…” she sighed. “You and dad are getting older, just tell me if we need to buy groceries or cook dinner, and just tell me if you change your mind okay? We can book a hotel at any second.”

“I will.”

We joined Gene and Delphine in the kitchen, poured ourselves a drink and talked about Delphine’s childhood in France, about her education and about our work at the University of Berkeley for the next two hours, until Cosima cleared her throat.

“Uh,” she began, her voice shaking a little. “I… Delphine and I came here with a reason. I have to tell you guys something, so I’m gonna do a lot of the talking from now on, which isn’t very new to you,” she joked, moving her hands in the air while she spoke. “And Delphine is here to give me a little emotional support.”

“Cosima, you’re scaring us a little bit baby,” I said. “Emotional support? Is everything allright?”

“It is now, but it wasn’t for a long time.”

“Okay, come on tell us,” Gene demanded, getting anxious himself. Cosima looked him in the eye for a few seconds before locking them on mine. I watched her bottom lip began to quiver in a way I knew all to well, and within seconds, she broke into a violent fit of sobs.

“Oh my God,” she wailed. “I can’t do this.”

Gene and I sat frozen in our seats, completely confused.

“Yes you can mon amour,” Delphine whispered, squeezing Cosima’s upper arm. “They have the right to know.”

“NO!” Cosima cried, taking her glasses off. “I can’t do this Delphine. It’s gonna break their hearts.”

“Cosima, stop assuming things and tell us right now!” My voice was filled with panic and I almost didn’t recognize it as my own.

She took a sip from her wine and started to tell us about Beth, a woman who looked exactly like her, about Alison, who also looked like her. How, after months of research, she found out that she and those other women shared the exact same DNA and discovered more and more women around the world who looked identical to her. 

“So, what you’re trying to say is that the IVF clinic used one man’s sperm and fertilized all the women’s eggs with it? They didn’t use your father’s?” I asked. This was too bizarre to be true.

“No,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut as if she were in physical pain. “Delphine, you tell them. I can’t.”

Gene and I both shifted our attention to the blonde woman, who stared right back at us.

“Well,” she began, intertwining her fingers with Cosima’s. “The clinic didn’t use your eggs either Mrs. Niehaus, which means that Cosima is not your biological child.”

“Excuse me?” I said, placing my hand over my racing heart as a poor attempt to calm it.

“That’s impossible girls,” I heard Gene mumble next to me, but his voice sounded so far away.

“I’m so sorry,” Delphine whispered as tears welled up in her eyes. “Cosima is part of a scientific project, just as Beth, Alison, Sarah and Helena and a few others.”

“A project?” God, my voice didn’t sound like mine anymore.

“Cloning,” Cosima explained. “They used you as a surrogate for one of the clone embryos. Me.”

I quickly looked at Delphine, hoping she would tell me that my daughter had gone crazy in the past year.

“Cosima is telling the truth,” she said. “Your daughter is a clone, that’s why all those women look the same.”

“This is insane,” I muttered. “Are you kidding me Cosima?”

“No.”

“Is that why you had to see those doctors every month?” Gene asked. “To document your development?”

“That’s corerct dad.”

“Oh my God! I knew something was wrong Gene,” I cried. “I told you so.”

“You really think this is the best time to blame me for this Sally?” he snapped.

“Oh my God,” I repeated, feeling betrayed. “I bet your Asperger diagnosis isn’t even true Cosima, they used it as an excuse so they had a reason to examine you every month. They made us believe that you were autistic for God’s sake.”

“MOM!” she gasped, her cheeks flushing a deep shade of red as her eyes quickly looked at Delphine, who gave her a loving smile.

_Oh… she didn’t tell Delphine._

We kept talking for another hour or two, we asked a lot of questions and Cosima and Delphine explained everything to us. They showed us a picture of the other three girls, making me cry for the third time this evening. Cosima isn’t our biological child… she has sisters all of a sudden… a bunch of creeps monitored her entire upbringing, used us… used her, and we let them. We didn’t protect her. I’m sure we need some therapy to overcome this news.

“Cosima?” Gene asked, his voice trembling with emotion.

“Yeah?”

“You’re still our daughter okay? Your mom gave birth to you and we raised you. We loved every minute of it and we love you. This doesn’t change anything.”

Tears started to roll down his cheeks and is shocked me a little. I’ve seen him cry only three times… on the day he first saw me in my wedding dress, the day I found out I was pregnant and the morning Cosima was born.

“Dad is absolutely right Cos, you’re our daughter no matter what. We’re still your mom and dad.”

Cosima and Delphine burst into tears and I’m not sure who of them cried harder. Gene stood up from his seat and pulled our daughter into his arms, while I walked over to Delphine, wrapping my arms around her shoulders.

“Thank you,” I whispered in her ear. “Thank you for pushing her to tell us all of this and thank you for loving her, for being by her side.” I cupped her face in my hands and wiped her tears with my thumbs. “Welcome to our family Delphine.”

We talked a little more, cried a few extra tears and even laughed a couple times, until Cosima let out a big yawn.

“Maybe we should try and get some sleep,” I suggested, suddenly feeling the tiredness in my own body. They all agreed and just ten minutes later, I positioned myself next to husband, pressing my back against his front, silently asking him to hold me from behind. I let out a sigh of contentment when I felt his arm drape around my waist, causing me to slip into unconsciousness quickly.

I dreamed about the countless times I visited the clincic, my pregnancy, Cosima’s birth and babytime before I woke up an hour later. I left the bed and made my way to the bathroom to wash my face, but when I approached Cosima’s old room I noticed that her door was open, a dim light shining into the hallway. I took another two steps and peeked inside before I could stop myself. I know I’m not supposed to do this, but I’m too curious. They lay on top of the sheets, Cosima positioned on top of her girlfriend, her head resting on Delphine’s shoulder and facing me with her eyes closed, while one of Delphine’s hands massaged my daughter’s neck.

“Are you sleeping chérie?” I heard Delphine whisper.

“No.”

“You should get some sleep Cosima, it’s been an emotional night. You need your rest.

I smiled at Delphine’s concern, but still felt guilty for watching them, still felt highly emotional due to all the revelations of tonight. My child isn’t biologically mine, how in the world do you process something like that? I tried to push the thoughts away, they could wait until tomorrow.

“I’m so proud of you. Your parents took it quite well I think,” the blonde woman said, lifting the hem of my daughter’s white tank top slowly, stroking her now exposed hips, sides and lower back. I could see Cosima tense on top of her, clearly not comfortable with Delphine’s attentions.

“Delphine,” she sighed. “Please stop.”

“This?” she asked innocently, but I could her a teasing tone in her voice as her hands squeezed the flesh at Cosima’s sides.

“Yeah, please don’t.”

“Why? You used to enjoy a good massage when your back killed you.”

“You know why babe.”

“Because you gained weight the past two months?”

“Yeah”

“You’re not fat Cosima,” Delphine snorted, pressing a kiss against her girlfriend’s cheek.

“I know, I know, I didn’t say that, but I’m gaining weight rapidly.”

“I don’t see any difference between now and before you got sick.”

“But I _feel_ different, I guess that’s because it’s happening so fast.”

“You’ve been extremely ill chérie. You’re body is storing fat just in case it gets sick again. You may be cured Cosima, but your body is still healing and recovering.”

Extremely ill? My Cosima? She didn’t mention an illness tonight. A feeling of worry unfolded in my stomach and I was ready to confront her and march into the bedroom when her voice made me snap out of my thoughts.

“I know Delphine, and I’m trying to accept it, but gaining twenty pounds in just two months is not something I was looking forward to and apparently, my body isn’t done yet, because it’s still storing fat. I can literally see myself expanding when I’m in the shower or getting dressed. I don’t fit any of my jeans anymore, so I’m a little anxious about next month,” Cosima whispered, her eyes still closed and breathing peacefully. “I don’t wanna be the fat clone you know.”

Delphine let out a laugh and continued to stroke Cosima’s lower back and hips. “I love your new curves mon amour. It’s a sign that you’ll be healthy again soon. Do you still have cramps?” she asked sweetly. “You haven’t complained about them since this morning. ”

“Yeah, but it’s okay. I definitely didn’t miss that though.”

“Hmmm,” Delphine hummed in understanding, moving her hands up to stroke the skin between my daughter’s shoulderblades.

“Hey Delphine?”

“Yes chérie?”

“I’m sorry for not telling you about the autism thing, but I just realized that you probably already knew about that,” she said, her cheeks flushing.

I felt my heart clench in sadness at Cosima’s embarrassment and held my breath as I waited for Delphine’s repsonse. My daughter has never fully accepted that part of herself.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

“Do you think my mom was right? That it could be a false diagnosis, so that they could go on with their examinations?”

“Does it matter chérie? I guess it would only make you angrier if it’s a lie, and you’ll feel even more different when it’s not a false diagnosis. Don’t you think?”

Cosima snapped her head up, and I almost gasped when I thought she saw me standing there, but she didn’t, and I suddenly felt a little grateful for her poor eyesight.

“I guess you’re right,” she whispered, gazing into Delphine’s eyes and running her fingers through blonde curls before she pressed her lips against her girlfriend’s waiting ones.

“Je t'aime Cosima, with or without clone cells, with or without a little body fat, with or without Asperger’s, I don’t care, it doesn’t make a difference to me, but if you want all the answers, I can always give them to you or try to find your old medical records, other files and documentation, but please think about it.”

My daughter flashed Delphine a bright grin and crashed her mouth against full lips. Their lips moved against each other in a perfectly practiced dance and my heart swelled with love at the sight of them. I’ve never seen Cosima so affectionate with another person before, so truthful about her feelings and emotions. She’s obviously very, very much in love with this woman. Their kiss lasted a little longer than the one previous one, but when I noticed Cosima’s tongue darting out, asking for entrance and Delphine opening her mouth almost instantly, her hand wandering in the direction of my daughter’s butt, I decided that I had seen enough and turned around, leaving them in their intimate little bubble, where no clones, war, sickness or death existed.

* * *

 

I took a quick glimpse in the mirror, checking my make-up before I made my way outside, where Gene was watching the sunset from the front porch of our houseboat, trying to peel an apple.

“Come here,” I said gently as I noticed his struggle and took the knife from his hand to help him.

My husband had suffered a cardiac arrest about a year ago, just four months after Cosima had told us about the cloning, I’m convinced that his body couldn’t take the stress and shock any longer. His heart stopped beating for at least ten minutes, causing severe brain damage. He’s in a wheelchair ever since. Cosima is still having a hard time because of it, she feels immensely guilty and she’s still visiting her therapist to deal with everything that has happened. It was Delphine who managed to convince Cosima and her sisters to seek professional help, and I’m so thankful she did. My daughter doesn’t really talk about the sessions, but she seems to make progress according to her girlfriend.

“I wonder why Delphine wants to speak to us,” he said, slurring is words.

I nodded as I brought a slice of apple to his lips. Cosima is in Venice with her department, to visit Ca' Foscari University and meet a few professors who are specialized in molecular biology. Delphine had called us two days ago, asking if she could come over today. Her flight just landed this afternoon and she must be here soon.

“Me too,” I whispered, even though I had an idea what it could be.

“Why isn’t Cosima coming?”

“She’s in Venice for two  weeks.”

I slipped my feet into my loafers when a sweet voice reached my ears.

“Hello Niehaus family,” she smiled, waving at us from the dock. She looked beautiful, wearing  jeans shorts and a sweater, her curly hair pulled back into a ponytail and sunglasses resting on her face.

“Hello sweetheart,” I said, taking her into my arms. “It’s so good to see you.”

She greeted my husband, pressing a kiss to each cheek, before she sat down in one of the chairs.

“How are you honey?” I asked, pouring us a glass of ouzo.

“I’m fine, but the house is a little too quiet for me now that Cosima is in Italy.”

“I can imagine,” I chuckled. “You’re welcome to stay here until she comes back.”

“That’s very sweet of you Sally, but I need to fly back to Toronto tomorrow, Charlotte is coming this Tuesday and will stay at our place for two nights to keep me company.”

“Oh that sounds wonderful. How old is she again?”

“Dix,” she answered. “So, it’s gonna be three days filled with musea I’m afraid.”

We’ve met Cosima’s sisters during their birthday party a few months ago. It was very strange to see Alison, Helena and Sarah, seeing Cosima in all those different versions of herself, but meeting Charlotte was completely surreal to us. She’s so much like my daughter, an exact copy, showing her rock collection to Gene the second Cosima introduced her to us.

“How are you Gene?”

“I’m great Delphine, Sal is taking good care of me,” he said as I brought another slice of apple to his mouth.

“You’ve got any other plans while Cos is away?” I asked.

She looked down at her lap, a flush creeping up her neck as she swirled the alcoholic drink around in her glass.

“That depends,” she whispered.

“Oh?”

She tilted her head up to look at us again.

“I know you find this is a little old fashioned, but I want to ask you something important Gene. That’s why I’m here.”

The corners of my mouth curled up into a smile, already knowing what she wanted to ask. I glanced at my husband, who was wearing a confused look on his face.

“Go on,” he encouraged, chewing on his fruit.

“Yeah,” she whispered, swallowing before licking her lips and I noticed that her hands were shaking slightly. She took another sip of her liquid courage before she locked her eyes on mine, seeking some motherly reassurance.

“It’s okay honey,” I said sweetly. “Don’t be nervous. You can ask him anything. He won’t say no.”

“I.. lo..” she stuttered, shifting her attention back to Gene. “I love your daughter so much. I can’t even express my feelings into words and I want to take care of her for the rest of my life, just like Sally takes care of you.”

A tear escaped the corner of my eye as I listened to her, I knew where this was going.

“Gene,” she continued, looking him straight in the eye. “I wanna ask Cosima to marry me, but I want your permission first.”

“Oh Delphine, silly girl,” he smiled, twitching his hand and another tear rolled down my cheek as Delphine immediately understood what he wanted and slipped her hand into his. “Of course you can marry my daughter. She loves you so much, we’ve never seen her so happy since she’s met you. We love you, you’re like a daughter to us. Right Sal?”

“Definitely,” I said, letting my tears run freely, kissing her cheek.

“Thank you so much,” she whispered, crying too.

“Do you have any idea how you’re gonna propose to her sweetheart?”

“Oui,” she answered. “I’ll fly to Venice next weekend and Bonnie, her colleague, will bring her to those famous gondola rides and I’ll be waiting for her there.”

“Oh my God, Gene, isn’t that romantic?” I swooned, grabbing his free hand. “Cosima is lucky she found herself a French woman. You people sure know how to impress a lady.”

“Have you bought the ring already?” Gene asked curiously.

“No, not yet. It’s something I want to do with Charlotte this week. I think she’ll love that. She knows Cosima’s taste in jewelry better than I do” she chuckled. “I’m sure she’s going for amethyst or rose quartz.”

“Are you nervous?” I wondered.

“A little, there’s always a chance that she’s going to say no.”

“No she won’t.”

“I hope not, because I already found a beautiful dress,” she blushed. “Wanna see?”

She grabbed her phone from her clutch, opened a picture and showed it to us. Tears sprang to my eyes once again as I took in the gorgeous dress, a white figure-hugging one with long sleeves made out of lace. She’ll look so perfect on their wedding day and I instantly felt sorry for her that her family wouldn’t be there on the most important day of her life. Her parents are simple people, maintaining acres of vineyards for a living and never went to college. Her parents live in a small village just outside of Lille, where God  is the most important thing to its residents, the only thing they live for. Her two older brothers aren’t very different, a construction worker and a plumber, both married with kids, living their lives like the Bible tells them to. Delphine had spent almost all of her childhood in boarding schools and didn’t talk to her parents a lot during that time or after she moved to The States, but when she told them about her love for my daughter … well, let’s just say they didn’t took it too well. I can’t imagine cutting off all contact with your own kid, we would never do that to Cosima. Never in a million years.

_Cosima.._.

My heart fluttered in my chest just thinking of her. My thirty-one year old daughter, who had become a professor just like us, who is going to be Delphine’s wife soon… share the rest of her life with the woman she loves. Those years flew by without me even realizing it, and although I can’t wait to see what is going to happen in the next fifteen years, she’ll always be my little girl.

* * *

 

“Mom?”

I opened my eyes, blinking a few times to get accustomed to the bright light shining through the livingroom, as her gentle voice woke me up from my nap.

“Hey sleepyhead,” she whispered, stroking my grey hair out of my wrinkled face.

“Cos,” I sighed, pushing myself up into a sitting position. “What time is it? Am I late?”

“No, no don’t worry. It’s only six PM.”

“You were supposed to pick me up at seven right?” I asked, standing up from the couch and making my way into the kitchen to pour us a cup of tea.

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Where’s Delphine?”

“At the hotel,” she answered shortly. “Can you please use your walker when you need to take more than two steps?”

“Don’t mother me Cosima.” I handed her the steaming cup of tea, looking her up and down.“You look beautiful sweetheart. Your father always loved that skirt.”

“Thank you,” she smiled, performing a pirouette to show off her multi-colored maxi-skirt before she sat down the couch.

“So, where’s Delphine?”

“You just asked mom. She’s still at the hotel.”

“Why?”

“Eh,” she said, averting her eyes from me. “We got into a fight and I needed some space.”

“Oh. Are we still going out for dinner? The three of us?” I asked worriedly. “Your father may not be with us anymore, but it’s still his birthday today. I still want to celebrate it. The place we were supposed to go was his favorite restaurant.”

“No, no, of course, of course,” she said, moving her hands through the air. “Of course, we’re still going. Delphine will pick us up in an hour. Don’t worry okay? The fact that we just had a fight doesn’t mean we can’t act normal.”

“Thank God,” I said in a soft voice. “You wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t know where to start to be honest,” she shrugged, blowing a puff of cool air over her hot drink. “There’s this… thing… we keep arguing about, like for almost a year now, and I’m getting sick of it. She brought it up again when we were relaxing in the bath this afternoon and I just snapped. I don’t think I can take it anymore. ”

“That’s a little vague Cos.”

“Yeah, I know. Never mind, it’s not like you can help me anyway.”

“Talk to me sweetheart,” I urged gently. “Get it off your chest.”

“Well… eh,” she started awkwardly, a flush creeping up her face. “Doctor Cormier is pining for a baby.”

“Oh,” is all I could say for a moment. “And… you don’t?” I asked cautiously, not wanting to assume things too quickly.

“No fucking way,” she laughed and I could detect a hint of sarcasm in her tone. “I’m not good with babies. They scare the shit out of me.”

“That’s not true Cos. I’ve seen you with Kira and Charlotte, with Alison’s kids and with Donnie and Arthur. They adore you honey.”

“They’re not babies anymore mom, babies are scary.”

“Why?”

“Because they’re so small, so fragile. You can fuck them up so easily.”

“Sweetheart,” I smiled. “You’re so patient, so nurturing, you have such a big heart. I’m sure you and Delphine will make great moms.”

“Maybe we do, but we’ll never know, because I’m not going to give in.”

“You didn’t see this coming? I mean, Delphine has always been pretty clear about her desire to have a baby. Am I right?”

“No, I didn’t see it coming mom,” she groaned. “Delphine always knew I didn’t want them myself and was okay with it, until last year.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit naive Cos? You’re both thirty-five now, it’s a very natural step after three years of marriage, especially if Delphine is experiencing maternal feelings.”

“Yeah, well, she can apply for a job as a kindergarten teacher or something,” she spat with venom in her voice. “No little kids in our house. I’m perfectly happy with the way things are, just the two of us, spending the rest of our life together and grow old without kids. I just don’t understand you know? She’s still reconnecting with her parents and brothers, they kind of accept me… a little… and now Delphine wants to have a child? Yeah, I’m sure her parents are gonna be thrilled about having a grandbaby that will be raised by a lesbian couple. I can’t believe she wants to put the relationship with her family at risk for this nonsense.”

I looked at her for a few seconds, watching the way she began to nibble on her bottom lip, digging her nails into her knees in anger.

“You can’t ignore her feelings Cosima.”

“I’m not ignoring her feelings mom, we talk about them sometimes,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Can we please stop now? I hate this.”

“Ah, so you’re going to put your walls up again? Is this what you do when you talk to your wife about having kids? No wonder you always end up fighting.”

“Are you picking sides now? That’s hilarious,” she spat. “You don’t get my feelings and neither does Delphine.”

“Share them with me Cos,” I whispered, reaching out to take her hand. “You can talk to me about this. I’m not picking sides.”

“God,” she groaned, leaning back against the cushions. “I’m scared mom. The kid is not gonna be mine, we could end up with a clone you know.”

“Being the mother of a clone is a true blessing Cosima,” I said, feeling a little offended.

“Sorry,” she said in a soft voice.

“If you don’t trust fertility clincs, you could always inseminate Delphine at home sweetheart. You could ask a male friend who you know and trust.

“Yeah?” she said, raising her eyebrow at me. “Like who?”

“I don’t know all your friends, but Scott seems like a decent man.”

“God no. Scottie just knocked up his wife for a second time and I’m not going to ask him to knock up mine too,” she shuddered at the thought. “And besides… it’s weird and creepy.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes, feeling the tension hanging in the air and thinking about the conversation we just had. I was about to change the topic into a lighter one, when suddenly, Cosima started talking again.

“What if I can’t feel love for a kid that’s not mine?”

“You will. I’m absolutely convinced you will. It doesn’t matter if the baby isn’t biological yours. Believe me Coco, I can know.”

“Yes, but you carried me for eight months, and Delphine must be the one to carry our child. That’s the only option. She’ll have enough time to bond with the baby before it’s born. That’s a huge difference.”

I opened my mouth to tell her my point of view, but quickly swallowed my words when I noticed the expression in her eyes shift from anger to something else entirely, and that’s when the realization hit me… with full force… the reason why Cosima was so opposed to the idea of having a baby with her wife.

“Are you jealous Cosima?” I asked kindly, trying to fill my tone with understanding.

“What?!”

“Are you jealous about the fact that Delphine can get pregnant and you can’t? Is that why you’re so angry about all of this sweetheart? Why you refuse to talk about it? Do you wish you could carry a baby yourself?”

I held my breath for a moment, not sure how she was going to react to my straightforward approach, but when she closed her eyes and brought her hand up to her mouth to stifle the heartbreaking sobs that seemed to erupt from deep inside her chest, I knew I had hit a sore spot.

“Oh sweetheart,” I sighed, scooting closer to wrap my arms around her. A breath of relief escaped my lips when she didn’t pull away from me and allowed herself to be held. I always thought my daughter didn’t really care about her infertility, that she was perfectly fine with Delphine carrying their child or with no kids at all, but apparently, I was wrong, very wrong.

“I… I can’t… I just,” she stuttered, gasping for breath. “Sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize Cosima.” My lips pressed a kiss to a salty cheek before I carefully took off her glasses and placed them on the coffee table. “What struggle is going on in that beautiful brilliant mind of you darling?”

“I’m so angry,” she wailed, pressing her face against my shoulder and wrapped her arms around my neck.

“About what Cos?” I asked, rubbing her back soothingly. “Tell me.”

“They made me infertile mom, and I always thought I didn’t want children so it has never been a big deal for me, but that gradually changed over the past three years, since I married Delphine,” she whispered, still pressed against me like a little kid. I could feel her swallow back another round of sobs, clenching her jaw to prevent it from happening.

“Let it out Cosima. Don’t walk around with a heavy heart. It’s not healthy.”

A fresh wave of tears soaked through my shirt as the sound of wails echoed through the living room.

“Good girl,” I encouraged, rubbing her back a little firmer to let her know it was okay.

“I’m so angry, so funcking angry. I think I’ve changed my mind mom,” she cried. “I’m not sure where those maternal feelings came from all of a sudden, I tried to ingore them, but I can’t. Everytime Delphine brings up the subject of having a baby I just snap at her. It’s not fair to her.”

She took a deep breath, releasing herself from my embrace and leaned back against the cushions.

“She can watch her belly grow, see how her body changes, feel the baby grow inside her, feel every kick, experience all stages of labor, feel it slip out of her after the final contraction, nurse our child,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes and I knew she was imagining it, experiencing all of it herself . “And don’t get me wrong I want her to have such a special experience, she deserves it, but I want it too. I want to feel our baby kick in _my_ womb, rub _my_ swollen belly all day long, find out what childbirth feels like, _I_ want to breastfeed our baby when it’s hungry, make a little napnest on the couch when it’s tired. I want it all and I can’t. It’s fucking unfair.”

“Does Delphine know?” I asked, my voice trembling with sadness.

“No, oh God no,” she said, waving her hands in the air dismissively. “She’ll feel so guilty about not putting two and two together, for not noticing my real feelings behind all the anger and I don’t want that.”

“So, you’re just gonna keep ignoring Delphine’s feelings? And your own?” I said, getting a little irritated by her stubbornness. “Sharing your emotions about something so fundamental as this, will only bring you closer together honey. You need to tell her. You need to tell her your feelings Cos, I’m sure Delphine will understand.”

She merely nodded, staring at the wall behind me as she started to nibble on her bottom lip again.

“What are you thinking about?”

A smile formed on her face, flashing me her canines as a bright twinkle appeared in her brown eyes.

“My wife with a huge belly,” she whispered, tears still rolling down her cheeks. “Lying next to me, with my hand resting just below her navel and I can feel our baby kick against my palm.”

“That sounds absolutely wonderful Cos,”I smiled, picturing her detailed discription myself.

“Yeah, I know right? She’ll look so beautiful. The most stunning pregnant woman ever.”

“Oh definitely,” I agreed.

“And you know what the best part is going to be?”

“Tell me sweetheart.”

 “She’ll grow a nice pair of full breasts too.”

“COSIMA!”

She let out a hard laugh and practically jumped off the couch when a car pulled into the driveway.

“Come on mom, that’s Delphine.”

I stood up and grabbed my walker before I followed her outside. Delphine stood next to the car and waved at me while Cosima pressed a kiss to her cheek, her fingers brushing over Delphine’s flat belly as she did so. I smiled at the almost invisible gesture and a feeling of pure love washed over me.

I don’t know what the future has in store for my daughter and my daughter-in-law, if they eventually will have a baby, or that Cosima is too scared take the plunge, but my intuition says they will… maybe not this year, maybe the next, or maybe the year after that. The only thing I hope is that I’m still around to witness my daughter becoming a mom herself, loving her child unconditionally, worrying about its future, struggling to make the right decisions, and trying to protect her baby with her life…

Just like I did with her.

 


End file.
